It's really alone up here sometimes. Okay, who am I kidding. All the time. Even with all the people around me, we talked, we cooked together, we gossip, we laughed but it's just not the same. I thought I love being around new people, but I don't. I love being with all the familiar faces, familiar voices, similar thoughts, seriously, with the warmth of being around people you know and love dearly.
And today, I go on a day without sleeping and doing nothing. Out of nowhere, I was thinking about the future. Like literally just sat there, deep with my thoughts. It scares me somehow, since I thought I had it all planned out on the life I should be living, but no. I seriously don't know where I am going. It also scares me because I'm here far away in England, using all the last penny of my parent's savings to continue my studies and I DON'T KNOW WHERE I WAS GOING? yeah, how can I not freak out??!!
I don't know whether if I had too much coke last night or the insomnia talking, but mannn, I broke down. real hard. we are talking about crying real tears, and chunking half a dozen of chicken wings and half a bottle of 2 litres coke! and GET THIS! I don't even like coke that much! I don't know what is wrong with me. I wish I am having a mid life crisis, at least I know what's the problem but I'm not! I'm only 22 and I'm freaking out about life.
So, after hours of thinking, I still haven't figured out what I'm going to do with my life. I mean, I love what I'm doing now and everyone can see that I'll be good at it (because they told me but I don't know if they're just being polite or anything) but why can't I see it? I'm never convinced whenever people told me that. I seriously don't know where I am going with this, but it just so relieved that I could put these thoughts/feelings out here. I hope somebody can tell me what is seriously wrong with me because I don't know what I want anymore.
Is it possible that I don't know myself?
Maybe this is just because I miss my family so much, my mother to kiss everyday, my dad to talk to me about facebook or youtube and act all how cool he is to know these stuff when he don't know a thing about it, and both my sisters where I'm yelled at and yelled to and at the same time share secrets and tell about our days. Also my best friend where I can just call or go to her house whenever I'm not myself.
Well maybe.
It's 6.52 in the morning, and still haven't sleep. So I'm gonna have my Subuh now and go for a jog. Signing off.
And today, I go on a day without sleeping and doing nothing. Out of nowhere, I was thinking about the future. Like literally just sat there, deep with my thoughts. It scares me somehow, since I thought I had it all planned out on the life I should be living, but no. I seriously don't know where I am going. It also scares me because I'm here far away in England, using all the last penny of my parent's savings to continue my studies and I DON'T KNOW WHERE I WAS GOING? yeah, how can I not freak out??!!
I don't know whether if I had too much coke last night or the insomnia talking, but mannn, I broke down. real hard. we are talking about crying real tears, and chunking half a dozen of chicken wings and half a bottle of 2 litres coke! and GET THIS! I don't even like coke that much! I don't know what is wrong with me. I wish I am having a mid life crisis, at least I know what's the problem but I'm not! I'm only 22 and I'm freaking out about life.
So, after hours of thinking, I still haven't figured out what I'm going to do with my life. I mean, I love what I'm doing now and everyone can see that I'll be good at it (because they told me but I don't know if they're just being polite or anything) but why can't I see it? I'm never convinced whenever people told me that. I seriously don't know where I am going with this, but it just so relieved that I could put these thoughts/feelings out here. I hope somebody can tell me what is seriously wrong with me because I don't know what I want anymore.
Is it possible that I don't know myself?
Maybe this is just because I miss my family so much, my mother to kiss everyday, my dad to talk to me about facebook or youtube and act all how cool he is to know these stuff when he don't know a thing about it, and both my sisters where I'm yelled at and yelled to and at the same time share secrets and tell about our days. Also my best friend where I can just call or go to her house whenever I'm not myself.
Well maybe.
It's 6.52 in the morning, and still haven't sleep. So I'm gonna have my Subuh now and go for a jog. Signing off.
5 loves:
finally! updates!
you would propably just scare mia, you'll do good. that's the taste of life, you know, too much sweets is not good, anyway, thats is why it has a bitter side of it..
in 2 years you'll be back home and missing everything you have there... =D
chill dear.. don't it happens to all of us... but what makes u special is,
you're miles away from familiar places, familiar surrounding.
You can see it from a different perspective indeed.
Just take a deep breath, smile and enjoy what's ahead. (i know it's killing if we are unsure of ourselves)
I know you can do it!
aja aja fighting!
p/s: sumpah pjg komen
Thanks kyrie & azza. hahaha I didnt know I still have readers since I havent updated my blog, like ever. hahaha.
anyways, I think I might take up blogging again. It felt good to write again. Especially when you're depressed.
Thanks again korg, miss u guys!
mia dear, if it makes u feel any better, i'm like that.. :) not proud of it, i'm still figuring myself out... i'm not sure of what i want n i dont think i really like the course i did in nz (tho i keep telling ppl it was fun lol) but pls, dont stress urself on thinking that u might be wasting ur parents' savings.. if theres one thing i'm sure of is that learning is never a waste.. InshaAllah, there'll always be a use for it in the future...
mcm nk beceramah pulak :p but seriously love, dont fret too much about the future.. this is what i learn recently.. past is not existent, leave the future alone until it comes, live today as though it is all that u have.. so that u'll make d most out of it iA..
its ok to still be figuring out what u wanna do.. thats the beauty of youth, u get to choose before u're stuck with one line of job forevah! :p just enjoy u're studies, jln2, enjoy d company u have there cos u're gonna miss them when u go home... trust Allah n let Him plan evrythng for u n dont be sad because Allah is the best planner ever!
loveuheaps:) xx
kak nisak, thank u so much. u always know what to say. I missed u tau! rindu nak tido satu bilik mcm dulu and do stuff together! Seriously thank you, and pleaseee pray for me. And I do feel better. Love u!
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